How to get fired from a job you hate
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An Escape Plan
Look, I’ve been writing these “inspirational” marketing posts for three years now. Three. Whole. Years. And you know what? I’m done pretending doing this doesn’t suck. It does. It sucks so bad that sometimes I stare at my laptop wondering if throwing it through the window would be worth the property damage charge to the cars below.
You fall asleep to meeting invitations. You wake up to Slack notifications. Your calendar is a graveyard of meetings that could have been emails. Your project manager asks for “just one more thing” at 4:55 PM on a Friday.
The fluorescent lights are draining your will to live. The office air is recycled sadness. The free snacks aren’t compensation for your stolen time. And that standing desk? Just another way to extract productivity from your deteriorating body.
Seriously, how much more of this bullshit can you take?
The Art of Getting Fired without getting blacklisted
Getting fired is an art form. Do it wrong, and you’re unemployable. Do it right, and you walk away with severance and unemployment checks. Here’s how to navigate this delicate balance by getting fired without getting arrested.
Just please, keep in mind that HR is not your friend.
Cause the productivity nosedive
Start missing deadlines. Not dramatically, but consistently. Turn in work that’s just bad enough to be disappointing but not bad enough to be immediately fireable. When asked about it, sigh deeply and say, “I’m just not feeling challenged anymore.” Watch as management scrambles to “engage” you before eventually giving up.
Be the meeting saboteur
Show up to meetings unprepared. Ask questions that were answered in the email everyone received. Suggest ideas so outside the scope that conversations derail. Turn your camera off during video calls and respond with delayed, confused answers when called upon. “Sorry, my connection is terrible today” works about thirty times before someone realizes your connection is fine.
A reply-all revolutionary
Nothing accelerates your exit like strategic email mishaps. Forward an internal email about cost-cutting to the entire company. Reply all to a client email with “Do we really have to keep working with these people?” Then follow up with a half-hearted “Sorry, wrong thread.” Bonus points if you “accidentally” include competitors on proposals.
The one and only slack truth-teller
Start being honest in Slack. When your boss asks how the project is going, respond with “About as well as my will to live.” When asked to join another pointless brainstorming session, reply “I would rather eat my keyboard.” The beauty of text communication is plausible deniability: “I was being sarcastic! Where’s your sense of humor?”
The Dress Code Anarchist
If your workplace has returned to the office, start dressing inappropriately. Not offensive, just wrong. Wear pajamas. Wear formal evening attire. Wear hiking gear complete with walking poles. When questioned, appear genuinely confused: “I thought this was what we were supposed to wear on documentation days?”
We also have a wide assortment of t-shirts and hoodies that can cause a sense of unease and panic in your co-workers and managers.
Embrace the sweet release of unemployment
When the inevitable happens and you’re called into a room with HR, try not to smile too obviously. Accept your fate with a dignified nod. Sign the papers. Collect your belongings (leave the succulent, it’s the only living thing thriving in that environment).
Then walk out into the sunlight, take a deep breath, and realize the world is still exhausting, but at least for a while, it’s yours again. File for unemployment immediately. Update your LinkedIn with some vague statement about “seeking new opportunities after a period of growth.”
And if all else fails and they refuse to fire you? Well, there’s always the nuclear option: actually doing your job exactly as described in your original job description. Nothing terrifies management more than an employee who works precisely to specification.
Welcome to freedom, fellow escapee. At least until the money runs out and the cycle begins again.
Just another burnt-out marketer who finally snapped at Miserably Employed
